My coming out story

Everyone's journey to coming out is different, here's mine.

Before I start, welcome to my blog! I have a lot to talk about and I can't wait to share it with you guys. I made this because I wanted to build a safe space for members of the community, to give advice, and talk about major issues the LGBTQ+ community faces. I understand there aren't a ton of resources for younger members and I wanted to use my platform to give them one and make them feel less alone and heard. If you ever need any advice or have any questions feel free to email me or message me on social media, my contacts are on the home page!

In this first blog I will talk about my experience finding myself and the journey to my coming out, I hope that some of you relate to my experiences

and this makes you feel less alone.

(I am on the left)

All my childhood I had struggled with finding out who I was as a person. I have always found women attractive since longer than I can remember. I look back to my younger days and think about me wanting to be the dad when I would play house in kindergarten just so I could have a wife and when I would tell my mom how I thought women were so beautiful and how I wanted to have a girlfriend one day. I would even have crushes and kiss other girls on the bus rides to school, but as I was raised in a small conservative rural town I was quickly told that being gay was wrong. That girls dating girls wasn't "normal."

I grew up as what some would call a "tomboy," playing sports and dressing more masculine than the other girls I went to school with. Many sporty kids acted and dressed the way I did, so I didn't stick out too much. As my peers grew out of this into middle school, I didn't. It affected me and the way I looked at myself, people would ask me why I was "acting like the boys" or why I wasn't doing "girlier things." I didn't think too much of it because it was just me, that's who I was.

Through middle school, I started to get questions from my peers asking me about my sexuality and accusing me of being gay because of the way I dressed and acted. I started to self doubt and overthink the way I acted and dressed. I then started to change the clothes I wore and the friends I had, overcompensating to fit into the feminine societal norms forced on me. I denied all of the accusations I got about my sexuality, though I was starting to have more and more attractions to my close friends. I internalized my feelings towards them, telling myself that they were just really pretty.

By 8th grade, my feelings towards women had only grown stronger. At one point I could only see myself kissing a girl, but never dating her. I then started to feel as though I could date a girl but never marry her. I then I started to fantasized about marrying my close friends at the time and I started to freak out. No one I knew was gay, or out at the time, so I had no one to talk to. I had felt this way for so long and talked to no one about it. I felt that it was wrong to feel this way because that's what I was told growing up. I had such bad internalized homophobia that I started to hate myself and push my feelings deep down, but they would never seem to go away, it only got worse. It started to affect my grades and mental health, at that point I had to talk to someone.

My mother and I have always been very close and I always told her the truth about everything, but I kept these feelings hidden because I was scared of disappointment and not being supported. I knew I had to talk to her about it because I trusted her and knew she would love me know matter what. I remember hesitating coming down the stairs to spill my emotions. When I finally got the courage, I asked to speak with her privately, without my sister or dad hearing. When I told her how I felt, she hugged me and told me it was normal. That I wasn't weird for feeling the way I did. She told me that many girls are attracted to their friends at a young age. Although I don't think she grasped what I was saying to the fullest extent, it made me feel better, I felt like I wasn't alone.

After talking with my mother, I didn't express how I was feeling to anyone, especially not the friends I had crushes on. I kept my feelings hidden but I didn't shove them down anymore. I still had crushes on my classmates and teammates, but I was silent about it.

Until sophomore year.

I had a friend I had known since I was about 9. We played soccer together as kids but didn't meet again and rekindle our friendship until the spring of 8th grade. We hit it off immediately after tryouts for the school team. We were best friends, inseparable. We went on gas station food runs after practices, sat and talked on the bleachers before games, and rode the bus together when traveling to other schools. After about two years of a very close friendship, I started feel a major attraction towards her.

I had fallen in love. I struggled with the way I felt because I didn't want to make her uncomfortable and I didn't know how she felt but hearing about her boyfriend everyday hurt. I compressed my feelings for months. There were so many times after games when she would drive me home that I almost kissed her, but I knew it might have ruined the friendship. I kept it all in, until one night I couldn't anymore.

I remember staying up late talking about homework and I impulsively texted her expressing all of my emotions. She didn't feel the same. She responded well, but it wasn't what I wanted to hear. She told me that she loved me too, but not in that way and that she was very flattered. I was terrified that I had ruined the closest friendship I had ever had, but everything returned to normal and nothing was different. (I am in the bow tie below)

She was the first person I had officially come out to and she fully supported me. It felt great having someone who knew the true me, not who I was pretending to be, even if she didn't love me in the way I wanted her to. She kept my secret safe and I didn't have to worry about being outed ever. I still cherish all of our memories together and appreciate how much she has helped me, in ways she will never know. We are still best friends to this day.

After half a year of knowing and accepting that I was attracted to women, I officially came out to my parents, they supported me and didn't question me at all. I even came out as bisexual to my boyfriend at the time, he hugged me and expressed his full support. I then started to tell more and more of my friends and gained even more support. I had several people in my corner that knew the real me and supported me. My mental health improved, I felt like I was starting to love and learn more about myself.

After that boyfriend and I had broken up during my junior year of highschool I started dating my first ever girlfriend. It was unlike any relationship I had ever been in. Being in love with a woman was different for me than with a man. I was doing something I never thought I would be able to do, something that I had dreamed of since I was a kid. She was closeted so we kept our relationship a secret, tiptoeing around our parents and calling each other "best friends." After about a month or two of dating, I felt comfortable enough with myself to come out to everyone.

I posted a picture of us on Instagram coming out as a lesbian. My peers surprisingly reacted very well, supporting me in the comments and flooding my phone with texts. I was overwhelmed with the reaction I got. I had lost some friends a long the way but I knew they weren't true friends anyways. When I came out to my English teacher, she then came out to me too and we made a great connection. I have made so many genuine friends since coming out as my true self and I feel so comfortable in my skin. Coming out has improved my mental health and made me love and accept myself more.

If you are considering coming out, do it when YOU are comfortable with doing so. Not everyone's timeline is the same and it is most important that you are in a good time and a safe supportive place to do so. If you have unsupportive parents or live in a dangerous town for members of the LGBTQ+ community it may be best to wait. It is most crucial that you are safe. If you are thinking about coming out, here is a link to a website of things to think about before doing so and another link to a coming out handbook. If you need advice, support, or help you can contact this 24/7 LGBTQ helpline provided by the Trevor Project.

My sister, Pierce, is the other blonde girl in the pictures above. The pride flag and paper heart images are a Wix stock images.